I can't write this post without the song Love Rollercoaster going through my head (and here it is in case it isn't going through your head yet... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBkVV9xxCHE).
All in all things are going well. I'm done 12lbs in 2 1/2 weeks. I'm really proud of how well I'm doing. It hasn't been awful at all... sure there have been things I've 'denied' myself but it isn't nearly as 'painful' as it has been in the past.
But then doubt creeps in. If this is going so well do I really want to do the surgery? Do I really want to alter my body like that FOREVER? Have I picked the right surgery (there are several bariatric surgeries)? Could I do it on my own? Could I keep it off??? ARrgh!
And then fear... what if I have some of the complications I've read about? Will I be happy then? What about my boys? What if something worse than the 'usual' complications happens? EEEK!
Rollercoaster.........
Monday, September 24, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
This week's weight loss endeavor brought to you by...
Challenges!
It's been a busy week and if I've learned one thing it's that I have to plan. The age old 'if you fail to plan, plan to fail'. Took the little to a pumpkin patch with some friends and we packed our lunch. That went pretty well. BUT we were there all day and I was hungry again by the time we left. And tired. Sooo... what did I grab? A yummy white chocolate, caramel latte. Plus my friend bought me some donut holes and the little only ate one... so I ate.... 5. Ugh! Then it was supper time when we got home. I was dreading having to make dinner/find something for us to eat. Luckily another friend came to the rescue and brought over a casserole she was making and finished baking it at our house. It wasn't the BEST choice but certainly better than what I would have grabbed upon arriving home exhausted from a long day and an hour long drive home.
Same thing with work this week. I didn't pack my lunch so I had to rely on the cafeteria... or as I like to call it the cafedeath-of-ya. Not the best choices there either. So... lesson learned. PLAN ahead!
The good news is I am down about 9lbs since I started. The bad news I regained 1-2lbs and had to re-lose them so still sitting at that 9lb mark.
I know these will not be my only challenges... but they were enough for this week! :)
It's been a busy week and if I've learned one thing it's that I have to plan. The age old 'if you fail to plan, plan to fail'. Took the little to a pumpkin patch with some friends and we packed our lunch. That went pretty well. BUT we were there all day and I was hungry again by the time we left. And tired. Sooo... what did I grab? A yummy white chocolate, caramel latte. Plus my friend bought me some donut holes and the little only ate one... so I ate.... 5. Ugh! Then it was supper time when we got home. I was dreading having to make dinner/find something for us to eat. Luckily another friend came to the rescue and brought over a casserole she was making and finished baking it at our house. It wasn't the BEST choice but certainly better than what I would have grabbed upon arriving home exhausted from a long day and an hour long drive home.
Same thing with work this week. I didn't pack my lunch so I had to rely on the cafeteria... or as I like to call it the cafedeath-of-ya. Not the best choices there either. So... lesson learned. PLAN ahead!
The good news is I am down about 9lbs since I started. The bad news I regained 1-2lbs and had to re-lose them so still sitting at that 9lb mark.
I know these will not be my only challenges... but they were enough for this week! :)
Friday, September 14, 2012
Head games
Wrapping my head around this whole thing is difficult. One minute it's simple 'I'm having it done. It's what is best for me. I am going to be so much healthier in the end'... the next I'm questioning my decision.... 'But I'm going to trade the risk of diabetes/high blood pressure/etc... for a life of malnutrition and struggling to keep my body nourished? It's been pretty easy to lose so far... maybe I CAN do it on my own and keep it off long term?'. Ugh!
Add to that I've been reading some of the online support groups regarding WLS (weight loss surgery) and seeing a lot of 'negative' chatter.... stomach pains, nausea/vomiting, struggles with the side effects of nutritional deficiencies and more. I know that these are all possibilities with this surgery but in these groups it was starting to sound like this was an everyday thing and it was now the focus of the lives of these people. With some help I've realized that they are more minor annoyances and since the support groups are a 'safe place' for them to talk about it they do. In the end most of the people who have had the surgery will say they would absolutely do it again... even with the little struggles. There are those who do have major problems and wouldn't choose it again... but you will find that with everything.
All that said it's really been a good week. I've been keeping my food log and staying (pretty close) within my calorie range. The best part... I haven't really been hungry most of the time. There are times when I am WEAK... but this is different than hunger. It's REALLY hard to pass up a brownie sitting on the counter... BUT I didn't eat 6 or 7 over a 24hr period.. I had two... two small brownies. And best of all... I've lost almost 7lbs already! :) Yay, me! My strategy right now is to get used to my calorie range... once I've got that under my belt for a few weeks then it will be to make healthier choices within that calorie range (of course I'm making some now... but not really strict). As for the activity portion... well... that part has been pretty poor this week due to a nasty head cold. Hard to walk when you can't breathe. Feeling better though and should be back at it by Sunday! :)
Thanks for reading and cheering me on! :)
Add to that I've been reading some of the online support groups regarding WLS (weight loss surgery) and seeing a lot of 'negative' chatter.... stomach pains, nausea/vomiting, struggles with the side effects of nutritional deficiencies and more. I know that these are all possibilities with this surgery but in these groups it was starting to sound like this was an everyday thing and it was now the focus of the lives of these people. With some help I've realized that they are more minor annoyances and since the support groups are a 'safe place' for them to talk about it they do. In the end most of the people who have had the surgery will say they would absolutely do it again... even with the little struggles. There are those who do have major problems and wouldn't choose it again... but you will find that with everything.
All that said it's really been a good week. I've been keeping my food log and staying (pretty close) within my calorie range. The best part... I haven't really been hungry most of the time. There are times when I am WEAK... but this is different than hunger. It's REALLY hard to pass up a brownie sitting on the counter... BUT I didn't eat 6 or 7 over a 24hr period.. I had two... two small brownies. And best of all... I've lost almost 7lbs already! :) Yay, me! My strategy right now is to get used to my calorie range... once I've got that under my belt for a few weeks then it will be to make healthier choices within that calorie range (of course I'm making some now... but not really strict). As for the activity portion... well... that part has been pretty poor this week due to a nasty head cold. Hard to walk when you can't breathe. Feeling better though and should be back at it by Sunday! :)
Thanks for reading and cheering me on! :)
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Preparation
Today was not destined to be my favorite day in this journey anyway but given that I have a terrible head cold it just moved another few notches down on the list.
This morning I had to go in for labwork.... 4 pages worth of orders but luckily only 4 tubes of blood!!!...., and upper GI study and psych eval. How much more fun could a girl ask for??
The labs actually went well...one poke, barely felt it, cooperative vein.
Then I trudged off to radiology for the upper GI study. It wasn't the worst experience ever (or the worst experience during this journey I'm afraid) but I could have done without ever having had to swallow barium. BLECH! For those not in the know, an upper GI consists of a bunch of xrays taken before, during and after you first drink some crystals that fill your stomach with air and 'try not to burp'... right! Then you you start swallowing barium which is a thick, chalky liquid... luckily not much flavor but I'm a texture girl and it's a yucky texture. The radiologist has you stand and take several drinks and watches on the screen/takes pictures and then you get to lay down and take pictures. This time you get to roll on the table while they take the pictures... a little to the left, fully on your left... a little on your belly, fully on your belly... and so on. So you haven't eaten/drank anything since midnite and now you have a stomach full of sludge rolling around in there. Not the best feeling.
After that I had to head up to the office for my psych eval. All of the patients in my program have to undergo a pysch eval (and most other programs as well from what I can tell). It's long and boring but for good reason. They want to identify first anyone with a major pysch issue that might make surgery contraindicated (such as suicidal ideations, delusional behaviors, etc...).
In addition they want to see what issues can be identified that have led to the obesity. If there are obvious things that need to be dealt with counseling can be offered before and after surgery. For instance many people are stress eaters. I am one of them. When I take away my coping mechanism of soothing/relaxing with food I will still need a coping mechanism. So.. I need to plan ahead. For me I am already really enjoying my nightly walks by myself (and sometimes with the dog). I recently got a kindle and am back in the full swing of reading so that is another option. When all else fails.. I'm pretty good at napping! :) Of course you can see how this could be a huge problem for someone who smokes or drinks quite a bit or has other unhealthy coping mechanisms as they could transfer trade in their stress eating for more smoking/drinking/etc..
So... necessary testing but I gotta tell ya 567 "true or false" psych questions is mind numbing. Yes, literally 567. "I am happiest when I am alone", "I often hear noises that other people don't hear", "I am sure someone is after me", etc... Ugh! And of course each qustion is asked about 14 different ways so they can make sure to catch "it" if it's there.... "I often think of suicide", "I no longer want to live", "Suicide seems like my only option". So, yeah, mind numbing. Of course I made sure I answered so as to keep the 'voices' and 'THEY' who are after me a secret. Wouldn't want to let them in on that! :P KIDDING!!!
This morning I had to go in for labwork.... 4 pages worth of orders but luckily only 4 tubes of blood!!!...., and upper GI study and psych eval. How much more fun could a girl ask for??
The labs actually went well...one poke, barely felt it, cooperative vein.
Then I trudged off to radiology for the upper GI study. It wasn't the worst experience ever (or the worst experience during this journey I'm afraid) but I could have done without ever having had to swallow barium. BLECH! For those not in the know, an upper GI consists of a bunch of xrays taken before, during and after you first drink some crystals that fill your stomach with air and 'try not to burp'... right! Then you you start swallowing barium which is a thick, chalky liquid... luckily not much flavor but I'm a texture girl and it's a yucky texture. The radiologist has you stand and take several drinks and watches on the screen/takes pictures and then you get to lay down and take pictures. This time you get to roll on the table while they take the pictures... a little to the left, fully on your left... a little on your belly, fully on your belly... and so on. So you haven't eaten/drank anything since midnite and now you have a stomach full of sludge rolling around in there. Not the best feeling.
After that I had to head up to the office for my psych eval. All of the patients in my program have to undergo a pysch eval (and most other programs as well from what I can tell). It's long and boring but for good reason. They want to identify first anyone with a major pysch issue that might make surgery contraindicated (such as suicidal ideations, delusional behaviors, etc...).
In addition they want to see what issues can be identified that have led to the obesity. If there are obvious things that need to be dealt with counseling can be offered before and after surgery. For instance many people are stress eaters. I am one of them. When I take away my coping mechanism of soothing/relaxing with food I will still need a coping mechanism. So.. I need to plan ahead. For me I am already really enjoying my nightly walks by myself (and sometimes with the dog). I recently got a kindle and am back in the full swing of reading so that is another option. When all else fails.. I'm pretty good at napping! :) Of course you can see how this could be a huge problem for someone who smokes or drinks quite a bit or has other unhealthy coping mechanisms as they could transfer trade in their stress eating for more smoking/drinking/etc..
So... necessary testing but I gotta tell ya 567 "true or false" psych questions is mind numbing. Yes, literally 567. "I am happiest when I am alone", "I often hear noises that other people don't hear", "I am sure someone is after me", etc... Ugh! And of course each qustion is asked about 14 different ways so they can make sure to catch "it" if it's there.... "I often think of suicide", "I no longer want to live", "Suicide seems like my only option". So, yeah, mind numbing. Of course I made sure I answered so as to keep the 'voices' and 'THEY' who are after me a secret. Wouldn't want to let them in on that! :P KIDDING!!!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
A journey. "Death". A new life. A Phoenix Rising!
I've decided to undergo bariatric surgery. Gastric bypass surgery. Why? Because I've struggled with weight all of my life and now it is starting to steal things from me. The ability to walk up/down stairs without my knees hurting. The ability to play soccer with my son for more than a few minutes without being out of breath. The ability to ride on a roller coaster without fear that I'll be humiliated because I won't fit in the seat. I'm done. I want my life back.
There are those who think this is 'extreme' and, honestly, until about 2 months ago so did I. But then I realized that my risk of diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, high cholesterol, heart disease and other comorbidities was MORE extreme than having surgery to take my life back. I do have fears about the surgery and what happens after... but I fear the comorbidities more.
I decided that I should start this blog to journal my experience. Mostly for me but if it can help/guide someone else then it's all the more important. As I was trying to decide what I wanted to call my blog I was thinking about the upcoming 'death' of my relationship with food. I call it a death for a couple of reasons... first, it will be fairly severe. Although I am now counting calories and required to start losing weight before the surgery I CAN still eat anything and however much I want. After sugery it will be a couple of teaspoons of liquid only at first and will take several weeks/months before I am able to eat any 'regular' foods. Obviously the portions will stay small..but will be a bit more than a few teaspoons. I also call it a death because as much as I love food, cooking, eating, etc.. I don't ever want to have THIS relationship with food again. It's quite dysfunctional. BUT I look forward to a NEW life, a NEW relationship with food... and my body.
Much like a mythical phoenix rising (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoenix_(mythology) ) I must 'burn' what I have now and totally be 'reborn' into my new life. Let the journey begin!
I've decided to undergo bariatric surgery. Gastric bypass surgery. Why? Because I've struggled with weight all of my life and now it is starting to steal things from me. The ability to walk up/down stairs without my knees hurting. The ability to play soccer with my son for more than a few minutes without being out of breath. The ability to ride on a roller coaster without fear that I'll be humiliated because I won't fit in the seat. I'm done. I want my life back.
There are those who think this is 'extreme' and, honestly, until about 2 months ago so did I. But then I realized that my risk of diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, high cholesterol, heart disease and other comorbidities was MORE extreme than having surgery to take my life back. I do have fears about the surgery and what happens after... but I fear the comorbidities more.
I decided that I should start this blog to journal my experience. Mostly for me but if it can help/guide someone else then it's all the more important. As I was trying to decide what I wanted to call my blog I was thinking about the upcoming 'death' of my relationship with food. I call it a death for a couple of reasons... first, it will be fairly severe. Although I am now counting calories and required to start losing weight before the surgery I CAN still eat anything and however much I want. After sugery it will be a couple of teaspoons of liquid only at first and will take several weeks/months before I am able to eat any 'regular' foods. Obviously the portions will stay small..but will be a bit more than a few teaspoons. I also call it a death because as much as I love food, cooking, eating, etc.. I don't ever want to have THIS relationship with food again. It's quite dysfunctional. BUT I look forward to a NEW life, a NEW relationship with food... and my body.
Much like a mythical phoenix rising (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoenix_(mythology) ) I must 'burn' what I have now and totally be 'reborn' into my new life. Let the journey begin!
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