I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself. I am down ALMOST (about 0.5lbs to go!) 20lbs since I started this journey Sept. 6. I've been obsessively using MyFitnessPal to track everything that goes in my mouth and it's totally paying off. I tried on all of last years jeans yesterday ... most of which would NOT have fit this year if I hadn't lost this... and most of them are borderline too big (don't look terrrible but are a bit too comfy so I know they'll look saggy soon) and even had one pair to get rid of! Today I thoroughly enjoyed shopping at Goodwill and buying stuff that was xl/1x instead of 2x and 3x! I even bought one sweater that is just an L... a bit snug now but in a few weeks should look great!  And the best part... I know I'll enjoy it for a few months and then get rid of it because it will be TOO BIG! (thus the goodwill shopping only!)

Lazy Blog

Today I'm going to be lazy and just repost my facebook post here...

 

  I just wanted to update y'all on something. I was a Skeptic (yep, with a capital S) about the whole 'oh, if you don't eat crappy white carbs you won't crave them'. I thought people were lying... either to me or themselves. I gotta say... they really were right!!!!! I have not given up carbs entirely bu...

t I am really limiting them and realized this morning that I don't CRAVE them like I did. Sure, sometimes I think something sounds good once in a while but for example... we ate at Texas Roadhouse last night... I gave M my croutons from my salad and didn't eat ANY of the rolls (had one TINY bite of  M's and it wasn't even that good). I did have half a baked potato but that was it. The other night I made some chocolate chip cookies (don't get all excited on me... just the ready to plop on the cookie sheet kind). I made 4 for him and 2 for me. I ate my 2 cookies (and counted the calories) and I didn't find myself thinking 'hmmm... wonder if M is going to eat all of his?'. So.. for all of you that I raised my eyebrow at... you were right! :)

There ya have it.

Next up... new TOOLS! :P

Today was good.

So today was my second appt. with the docs office.  It was good.  They were pleased that I have lost 8lbs according to their scales (I've lost more since my highest weight but started before seeing them) and thought my food plan in general is going ok.  Still need to work more on getting away from the diet coke...eventually and now need to start making 'better' choices within my calorie range.

  The other discussion was my 'psych eval'.  It 'revealed' that I have some issues with emotional eating.  WOW... really?????  This just strikes me as so funny.  I am pretty sure that most (and I do mean MOST) of us got to be where we are because of some 'emotional eating'.  So.. this means I need to do a few 'counseling sessions'.  Honestly, I'm happy to do it.  I could use someone off whom I can bounce my thoughts about this stuff.  "Why do I notice that sometimes I'm not hungry but I really am craving the TASTE of something...it's a 'mouth hunger' more than a head hunger, and what do I do about that?"  "What will I use to cope when food is no longer an option?" "Is it normal to feel gung-ho about this one day and terrified the next?"   So, I'm happily go along with these but sure hope they won't hold up my surgery date.

  The way it works is until you are close to ready for surgery you just see the dietician and the nurse.  Once you are closer then you are scheduled to see the doc again for a presurg. visit.  Today she said my weight gain is good and if I can get a couple of counseling sessions in before I see them next month then I can see the doc in December with possible early Jan. surg! :) 

Overall I feel really good about this but some days are hard.  I'm just tired and just want to eat something EASY.  Unfortunately EASY is generally chock full of calories... sigh.  But... I move on as I have to.  :)

Today was a good day.

Today was a good day.  Yesterday was tough.  I've decided that the tough days are important though.  They remind me that I DO need this surgery.  They remind me that I can't spend so much of my time focusing on this long term.  They remind me that as life gets busy and I get tired I WILL make bad choices.  So... they are useful.  But they still suck.

 I'm down about 14lbs but the scale isn't moving the last few days.  I know I shouldn't weigh every day but it's still kind of fun right now because it has been going down so fast.  Now that the initial pounds are off and it's slowing down though it's frustrating so I guess I need to pick just a couple of days a week and stick to those. 

But I FEEL better already.  My clothes are looser and I can just 'feel' the loss in a few places.  It feel good! :)

Well.. I think the mini-man is asleep so I'm off for my nightly walk!

:)

Rollercoaster

I can't write this post without the song Love Rollercoaster going through my head (and here it is in case it isn't going through your head yet...  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBkVV9xxCHE). 

All in all things are going well.  I'm done 12lbs in 2 1/2 weeks.  I'm really proud of how well I'm doing.  It hasn't been awful at all... sure there have been things I've 'denied' myself but it isn't nearly as 'painful' as it has been in the past. 

But then doubt creeps in. If this is going so well do I really want to do the surgery?  Do I really want to alter my body like that FOREVER?  Have I picked the right surgery (there are several bariatric surgeries)?  Could I do it on my own?  Could I keep it off???  ARrgh! 

And then fear... what if I have some of the complications I've read about?  Will I be happy then?  What about my boys?  What if something worse than the 'usual' complications happens?  EEEK!

Rollercoaster.........

This week's weight loss endeavor brought to you by...

Challenges! 

It's been a busy week and if I've learned one thing it's that I have to plan.  The age old 'if you fail to plan, plan to fail'.   Took the little to a pumpkin patch with some friends and we packed our lunch.  That went pretty well.  BUT we were there all day and I was hungry again by the time we left.  And tired.  Sooo... what did I grab?  A yummy white chocolate, caramel latte.  Plus my friend bought me some donut holes and the little only ate one... so I ate.... 5.  Ugh!   Then it was supper time when we got home.  I was dreading having to make dinner/find something for us to eat.  Luckily another friend came to the rescue and brought over a casserole she was making and finished baking it at our house.  It wasn't the BEST choice but certainly better than what I would have grabbed upon arriving home exhausted from a long day and an hour long drive home. 

  Same thing with work this week.  I didn't pack my lunch so I had to rely on the cafeteria... or as I like to call it the cafedeath-of-ya.  Not the best choices there either. So... lesson learned. PLAN ahead!

The good news is I am down about 9lbs since I started.  The bad news I regained 1-2lbs and had to re-lose them so still sitting at that 9lb mark.

I know these will not be my only challenges... but they were enough for this week! :)

Head games

Wrapping my head around this whole thing is difficult.  One minute it's simple 'I'm having it done.  It's what is best for me. I am going to be so much healthier in the end'... the next I'm questioning my decision.... 'But I'm going to trade the risk of diabetes/high blood pressure/etc... for a life of malnutrition and struggling to keep my body nourished?  It's been pretty easy to lose so far... maybe I CAN do it on my own and keep it off long term?'.  Ugh!

 Add to that I've been reading some of the online support groups regarding WLS (weight loss surgery) and seeing a lot of 'negative' chatter.... stomach pains, nausea/vomiting, struggles with the side effects of nutritional deficiencies and more.    I know that these are all possibilities with this surgery but in these groups it was starting to sound like this was an everyday thing and it was now the focus of the lives of these people.  With some help I've realized that they are more minor annoyances and since the support groups are a 'safe place' for them to talk about it they do.  In the end most of the people who have had the surgery will say they would absolutely do it again... even with the little struggles.  There are those who do have major problems and wouldn't choose it again... but you will find that with everything.  

All that said it's really been a good week.  I've been keeping my food log and staying (pretty close) within my calorie range.  The best part... I haven't really been hungry most of the time.  There are times when I am WEAK... but this is different than hunger.  It's REALLY hard to pass up a brownie sitting on the counter... BUT I didn't eat 6 or 7 over a 24hr period.. I had two... two small brownies.  And best of all... I've lost almost 7lbs already! :)  Yay, me!   My strategy right now is to get used to my calorie range... once I've got that under my belt for a few weeks then it will be to make healthier choices within that calorie range (of course I'm making some now... but not really strict).   As for the activity portion... well... that part has been pretty poor this week due to a nasty head cold.  Hard to walk when you can't breathe.  Feeling better though and should be back at it by Sunday! :) 

Thanks for reading and cheering me on! :) 

Preparation

Today was not destined to be my favorite day in this journey anyway but given that I have a terrible head cold it just moved another few notches down on the list. 

This morning I had to go in for labwork.... 4 pages worth of orders but luckily only 4 tubes of blood!!!...., and upper GI study and psych eval.  How much more fun could a girl ask for??

The labs actually went well...one poke, barely felt it, cooperative vein.

Then I trudged off to radiology for the upper GI study.  It wasn't the worst experience ever (or the worst experience during this journey I'm afraid) but I could have done without ever having had to swallow  barium. BLECH!   For those not in the know, an upper GI consists of a bunch of xrays taken before, during and after you first drink some crystals that fill your stomach with air and 'try not to burp'... right!  Then you you start swallowing barium which is a thick, chalky liquid... luckily not much flavor but I'm a texture girl and it's a yucky texture.  The radiologist has you stand and take several drinks and watches on the screen/takes pictures and then you get to lay down and take pictures.  This time you get to roll on the table while they take the pictures... a little to the left, fully on your left... a little on your belly, fully on your belly... and so on.  So you haven't eaten/drank anything since midnite and now you have a stomach full of sludge rolling around in there.  Not the best feeling. 

After that I had to head up to the office for my psych eval.  All of the patients in my program have to undergo a pysch eval (and most other programs as well from what I can tell).  It's long and boring but for good reason.  They want to identify first anyone with a major pysch issue that might make surgery contraindicated (such as suicidal ideations, delusional behaviors, etc...). 

In addition they want to see what issues can be identified that have led to the obesity.  If there are obvious things that need to be dealt with counseling can be offered before and after surgery.  For instance many people are stress eaters.  I am one of them.  When I take away my coping mechanism of soothing/relaxing with food I will still need a coping mechanism.  So.. I need to plan ahead.  For me I am already really enjoying my nightly walks by myself (and sometimes with the dog).  I recently got a kindle and am back in the full swing of reading so that is another option.  When all else fails.. I'm pretty good at napping! :)   Of course you can see how this could be a huge problem for someone who smokes or drinks quite a bit or has other unhealthy coping mechanisms as they could transfer trade in their stress eating for more smoking/drinking/etc..

 So... necessary testing but I gotta tell ya 567 "true or false" psych questions is mind numbing.  Yes, literally 567.  "I am happiest when I am alone", "I often hear noises that other people don't hear", "I am sure someone is after me", etc...  Ugh!   And of course each qustion is asked about 14 different ways so they can make sure to catch "it" if it's there....  "I often think of suicide", "I no longer want to live", "Suicide seems like my only option".   So, yeah, mind numbing.  Of course I made sure I answered so as to keep the 'voices' and 'THEY' who are after me a secret.  Wouldn't want to let them in on that! :P  KIDDING!!! 

                                          A journey. "Death".  A new life. A Phoenix Rising!

  I've decided to undergo bariatric surgery.  Gastric bypass surgery.  Why?  Because I've struggled with weight all of my life and now it is starting to steal things from me.  The ability to walk up/down stairs without my knees hurting.  The ability to play soccer with my son for more than a few minutes without being out of breath.  The ability to ride on a roller coaster without fear that I'll be humiliated because I won't fit in the seat.  I'm done.  I want my life back.
  There are those who think this is 'extreme' and, honestly, until about 2 months ago so did I.  But then I realized that my risk of diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, high cholesterol, heart disease and other comorbidities was MORE extreme than having surgery to take my life back.  I do have fears about the surgery and what happens after... but I fear the comorbidities more. 
  I decided that I should start this blog to journal my experience.  Mostly for me but if it can help/guide someone else then it's all the more important.  As I was trying to decide what I wanted to call my blog I was thinking about the upcoming 'death' of my relationship with food.  I call it a death for a couple of reasons... first, it will be fairly severe.  Although I am now counting calories and required to start losing weight before the surgery I CAN still eat anything and however much I want.  After sugery it will be a couple of teaspoons of liquid only at first and will take several weeks/months before I am able to eat any 'regular' foods.  Obviously the portions will stay small..but will be a bit more than a few teaspoons.   I also call it a death because as much as I love food, cooking, eating, etc.. I don't ever want to have THIS relationship with food again.  It's quite dysfunctional.  BUT I look forward to a NEW life, a NEW relationship with food... and my body. 

Much like a mythical phoenix rising (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoenix_(mythology) ) I must 'burn' what I have now and totally be 'reborn' into my new life.   Let the journey begin!